The Panjandrum Conundrum

When a top bureaucrat goes AWOL, his employers will do anything to find him. But can he solve the mystery of his true identity before it's too late? 

A lunchtime show where four clergymen discuss the issues of the day from an ecumenical perspective.

Movie idea, wherein Bernard Sumner tries to reunite Joy Division by striking a deal with a Haitian witch doctor to resurrect Ian Curtis using voodoo. But is the New Order frontman prepared to meet the witch doctor's mysterious demands?

PS. If anyone is impresssed by my picture and would like some photoshop tips, I'm afraid I can't help you, I use a much more advanced program called MS Paint.

Space race

Muslims pray towards Mecca, which on Earth can be determined with a compass or by following the qibla in a Mosque. However, in space compasses don't work, and there are no mosques. So what should Muslim astronauts do? This is a very real issue which is being debated seriously by leading Muslim scholars.

However, I quite like the idea of a roving band of adventuring Muslims, searching for a way to express their faith in the furthest reaches of the galaxy. And I think it would make a good TV programme:



I'm pretty sure it'll be a hit.

The Fast Show

So it's lent, and whilst most people are busy coping with their withdrawal symptoms from chocolate or alcohol or crack, I like to take the time to think about the true meaning of lent.
The forty days of lent represent the time immediately following His baptism that Jesus spent fasting in the desert where he endured temptation by Satan.
To synopsise:

• Jesus is baptised by a guy who eats locusts
• He spends a long time in an inhospitable region
• He endures trials from Satan
• In the end he is put to the public vote

Now, I don't know about you but this sounds familiar to me.

The story features a man who eats insects...



...it features an inhospitable region, where Jesus is put through trials by Satan...



...and it all ends in a public vote.

I think ITV should acknowledge their plagiarism and bring us a one off special: I'm A Deity Get Me Out Of Here!

My money's on Buddha.

Celebrity Autopsy

Did Hitler really only have one ball? Did Elvis really have snake hips? And was Princess Diana's heart really as big as they say it was? Find out the answers to these questions and more this Thursday at 8 o'clock on CELEBRITY AUTOPSY. Only on ITV.

He seeks poetic justice