meloncholy

meloncholy - n.
a blue fruit

craveat

craveat - n.
an exceptional scarf

Plastic

Get rhinoplasty if you want - it's no skin off my nose.

Sub of the Dead

(Not an original idea, but my own interpretation)

Seems normal

I don't know what the big deal is with Jesus being a virgin birth. Aren't most new born babies virgins?

Glove in the time of cholera

I bought these gloves the other day. They fit perfectly.
I wish I could think of an appropriate simile to explain how well they fit...

Summer's End Part 3

Part 1, Part 2

Night-time had fully descended by the time the boat was near enough to shore to make out the figures. The crescent moon was the only source of light, a thumbnail tear on the dark velvet sky, barely illuminating the three shadowy figures making their way towards the boys. The two tattily-dressed men rowing were clearly subordinate to the dapper gent at the prow of the rowboat, his eyes closed in deep concentration as they bumped up on to the sand. His two henchmen jumped in to the shallow waters and hauled the boat ashore before taking an arm each of their master, lifting him clear of the water and lowering him to the ground only when they were clear of the softly lapping lake. Not a drop had sullied his impeccable garb. When he spoke, he stared straight ahead into the wood behind the boys.
"My name is Mr Angelus. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance."
Josiah moved toward his oustretched hand, and only realised as he got closer that Angelus had not had his eyes closed in concentration. No, this would be impossible. For how can one close one's eyes, when one has no eyes?
"P-pleased to meet you, sir." he gulped, staring into the man's dead
ocular cavities.

A deer with no eyes

Someone once told me that ignorance was bliss. I have absolutely no idea what they were talking about... but I feel fantastic!

blasfemur

blasfemur - n.
one who, by taking the Lord's name in vain, forgets the fact that Jesus died for our shins

telapathy

telapathy - n.
when you can't be bothered lifting someone else's finger

Ambergris

Sperm whale vomit is considered one of the most valuable materials on the planet. This may go some way to explaining Robbie Williams' enduring appeal.

Celebrity Autopsy

Did Hitler really only have one ball? Did Elvis really have snake hips? And was Princess Diana's heart really as big as they say it was? Find out the answers to these questions and more this Thursday at 8 o'clock on CELEBRITY AUTOPSY. Only on ITV.

Androgenquiry

If roughly half the population of Earth is male and the other half is female, does that mean the average person is an hermaphrodite?

He seeks poetic justice

Summer's End Part 2

For the first instalment, click here

"Do you think they've noticed we're gone yet?"
The older brother, Josiah, didn't reply, instead he peered across the lake, trying to discern any movement on the jetty at the other side.
"Can you see anything?"
"Not yet, Si. We're early, though."
A sudden splash off to their left punctuated the hum of the woodland. As Simon put the kayak between himself and the noise, Josiah moved to inspect the rippling surface.
Nothing. A bird must have dropped its supper, he assumed.
He trotted back to his brother, settled down on the kayak drawing a pen knife from his pocket and began to carve his name into the peeling boat belly.
"What's that?"
Josiah looked to where his brother was pointing, to the jetty across the water. The faintest stirrings of a grin appeared on his face.
"They're coming."

St. Rongbow...

... patron Saint of cider. Co-founder of the Church of the Immaculate Fermentation, along with St. Ella of Artois.

Umpteen things clean

Britain's best loved animated pilot, Mr Sheen, isn't even British.
He's French-Polish.

euphemasia

euphemasia - n.
the merciful act of sending someone to never-wakey-land

somnambulance

somnambulance - n.
a vehicle used for picking up sleepwalkers

Knock knock! ....knock knock........knock?

A good way to make blind guys laugh is to tell them a deaf guy joke. Oh, the rivalry!

Doesn't seem to work the other way round though.

Beanfeast

I like my coffee like I like my women. Hand picked by Brazilian farmers, exported to Britain in container ships and sold in Sainsbury's for £2.49.

I sink, therefore I swam

Recently I've been having dreams that I'm a penguin. So I got to thinking: Am I a man dreaming I'm a penguin, or am I a penguin dreaming I'm a man? Then I got to thinking: Man, I watch too much Pingu.

Summer's End Part 1

Thrum.
Thrum.
Two boys beat the underside of an upturned kayak at dusk on the
outskirts of a forest. Their clothes are ragged and one of them has
the snotty nose and grubby tracklines of long-dried tears on his
cheeks. They are brothers.

pseup

pseup - n.
that which purports to be soup but is not in fact soup eg. cup-a-soup

rhetoricall

rhetoricall - n.
a telephone call you don't have to answer