dorkestra

dorkestra - n.
a band which provides the music at a square-dance

Hard to stomach

You've got to admit though, it takes guts to digest stuff.

Dadage

Nepotism begins at home.

Vibration barley's flatulence

Here is the plot synopsis from a Vietnamese copy of Ken Loach's The Wind That Shakes The Barley.



I hope I haven't ruined the ending for anyone who hasn't seen the film.

Death

Some people are afraid of death. Not me. I think the idea of going on a thrilling ride through twists and turns and going upside down at high speeds is exciting. No, wait a minute, I'm thinking of rollercoasters.

paedofile

paedofile - n.
the sex offenders register

gecho

gecho - n.
a lizard... a lizard... a lizard... a liz...

Eurocock

Look! There's a cock on the Euro!

You do the mathematics

24 hour shops are quite successful, eh? Well, imagine how much more successful a 48 hour shop would be.

I'd say three times as successful.

Space race

Muslims pray towards Mecca, which on Earth can be determined with a compass or by following the qibla in a Mosque. However, in space compasses don't work, and there are no mosques. So what should Muslim astronauts do? This is a very real issue which is being debated seriously by leading Muslim scholars.

However, I quite like the idea of a roving band of adventuring Muslims, searching for a way to express their faith in the furthest reaches of the galaxy. And I think it would make a good TV programme:



I'm pretty sure it'll be a hit.

Summer's End Part 6

Click here for previous instalments.

"Si! NO!" Rubens restrained Josiah, he and his fellow gruesome boatman having set down their oars. Mr Angelus returning to his seated position, calmly, as though he had merely discarded some litter.
"YOU BASTARD!"
"Sshh, Josiah, sshhh..." The waters calmed again, the boat's rocking stopped and Josiah shrugged off his captor to fall into his hands, moaning.
"Boss..."
"Shush, Andre. Be quiet. Be quiet all of you."
The group sat mute, save for some quiet sobbing from Josiah. Suddenly, Angelus' head shot up, as though he was sniffing the air for some imaginary scent.
Slowly, they all began to feel it. The boat was vibrating, the waters becoming choppy. Andre and Rubens looked around desperately, their eyes scanning the lake for the source of a disturbance. The frequency of the vibrations increased rapidly, the wood humming beneath their feet. In a flash it seemed dawn had come, light surrounded them, a bright blue-white light emanating from the water below. The oars were threatening to shake loose from their holders. Andre and Rubens grabbed them and thrashed wildly but to no avail against the tempestuous waters.
And then, when it seemed the boat could take no more abuse, the waves stopped.
And from the water in front of them a ball of light shot straight upwards, accompanied by a pure, sonorous note, loud enough to be deafening, but so beautiful to hear that not one of them covered
their ears.
Hovering in front of them, about ten feet above the water was Simon, naked and bathed in white light like something that fell from above - radiating pure power.
Angelus was the first to speak.

"It's true." he whispered.

Discrimination

The deaths of Immortals are always treated as 'suspicious' by the police.

Stat

Nearly 40% of teenage pregnancies occur before the age of 20.

fauxtograph

fauxtograph - n.
the picture one puts of oneself on a social networking site which makes one look younger/slimmer/more interesting than one really is

greige

greige - n.
the most boring colour of all

The Fast Show

So it's lent, and whilst most people are busy coping with their withdrawal symptoms from chocolate or alcohol or crack, I like to take the time to think about the true meaning of lent.
The forty days of lent represent the time immediately following His baptism that Jesus spent fasting in the desert where he endured temptation by Satan.
To synopsise:

• Jesus is baptised by a guy who eats locusts
• He spends a long time in an inhospitable region
• He endures trials from Satan
• In the end he is put to the public vote

Now, I don't know about you but this sounds familiar to me.

The story features a man who eats insects...



...it features an inhospitable region, where Jesus is put through trials by Satan...



...and it all ends in a public vote.

I think ITV should acknowledge their plagiarism and bring us a one off special: I'm A Deity Get Me Out Of Here!

My money's on Buddha.

Funfair

Ghost trains are like tunnels of love for necrophiliacs.

Stampede

I used to collect stamps, but I gave up.

Philately will get you nowhere.

Summer's End Part 5

Previous instalments.

The brothers sat in silence as the boat ploughed through the black water, the only noise of the night coming from the languid oaring of the two brutes flanking Mr Angelus. Josiah was not scared but he was worried. Had he done the right thing? He looked at his younger brother, he still thought of him as a baby although he had long since left the crib. He sat there confused and sniffing, although completely trusting his big brother.
"You're shivering, young Simon. Are you cold?"
Simon did not meet Mr Angelus' empty glare.
"Rubens, pass the coat."
The manservant did as he was told.
"There, young man, put this on. Button it right up to the top."
Simon's numb fingers struggled as he fastened all the buttons.
"Th-this jacket is very heavy, sir."
"Yes, it is a special coat. I have sewn several large rocks into its lining."
"Rocks? But..."
"We cannot take any chances, Simon..." Angelus pounced with a speed and agility belying his frame and his sensory handicap. Josiah tried to stop him but he was too slow. With one lightning swoop he had bowled the boy up and over the side, Simon flailing into the arctic lake with a sickening splash.

Electrovagneticism

Are Hugh Hefner and Peter Stringfellow what one would describe as fanny magnates?

sarchasm

sarchasm - n.
the lowest form of pit

malevol-au-vents

malevol-au-vents - n.
another dish which is best served cold

Er?

Why do we call the Queen 'Your Highness'?

Surely it should be 'Your Height'?

Grrl

When I told her she looked fetching, I meant that she reminded me of a Retriever.

Visage

I mean, I know I like moisturiser, but there's no need to rub my face in it...

Summer's End Part 4

Parts 1, 2 and 3

"You must be Josiah. And this must be young Simon. Come over here, boy. Have you been crying?"
Simon, touched his fingers to his cheeks in confusion, "But, how....?"
"A lack of eyes does not hinder my sight, dear boy. You would be well advised to remember that. Here, let me look at you."
Mr Angelus' fingers scanned Simon's head phrenologically, too long to be a friendly ruffle of the hair, but if he was looking for something, no change in his expression betrayed he had found it.
"Andre, Rubens, get the boys in the boat. We must be back by sunrise."

WANTED

WANTED: Old rope. Will pay money.

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