dorkestra

dorkestra - n.
a band which provides the music at a square-dance

Hard to stomach

You've got to admit though, it takes guts to digest stuff.

Dadage

Nepotism begins at home.

Vibration barley's flatulence

Here is the plot synopsis from a Vietnamese copy of Ken Loach's The Wind That Shakes The Barley.



I hope I haven't ruined the ending for anyone who hasn't seen the film.

Death

Some people are afraid of death. Not me. I think the idea of going on a thrilling ride through twists and turns and going upside down at high speeds is exciting. No, wait a minute, I'm thinking of rollercoasters.

paedofile

paedofile - n.
the sex offenders register

gecho

gecho - n.
a lizard... a lizard... a lizard... a liz...

Eurocock

Look! There's a cock on the Euro!

You do the mathematics

24 hour shops are quite successful, eh? Well, imagine how much more successful a 48 hour shop would be.

I'd say three times as successful.

Space race

Muslims pray towards Mecca, which on Earth can be determined with a compass or by following the qibla in a Mosque. However, in space compasses don't work, and there are no mosques. So what should Muslim astronauts do? This is a very real issue which is being debated seriously by leading Muslim scholars.

However, I quite like the idea of a roving band of adventuring Muslims, searching for a way to express their faith in the furthest reaches of the galaxy. And I think it would make a good TV programme:



I'm pretty sure it'll be a hit.

Summer's End Part 6

Click here for previous instalments.

"Si! NO!" Rubens restrained Josiah, he and his fellow gruesome boatman having set down their oars. Mr Angelus returning to his seated position, calmly, as though he had merely discarded some litter.
"YOU BASTARD!"
"Sshh, Josiah, sshhh..." The waters calmed again, the boat's rocking stopped and Josiah shrugged off his captor to fall into his hands, moaning.
"Boss..."
"Shush, Andre. Be quiet. Be quiet all of you."
The group sat mute, save for some quiet sobbing from Josiah. Suddenly, Angelus' head shot up, as though he was sniffing the air for some imaginary scent.
Slowly, they all began to feel it. The boat was vibrating, the waters becoming choppy. Andre and Rubens looked around desperately, their eyes scanning the lake for the source of a disturbance. The frequency of the vibrations increased rapidly, the wood humming beneath their feet. In a flash it seemed dawn had come, light surrounded them, a bright blue-white light emanating from the water below. The oars were threatening to shake loose from their holders. Andre and Rubens grabbed them and thrashed wildly but to no avail against the tempestuous waters.
And then, when it seemed the boat could take no more abuse, the waves stopped.
And from the water in front of them a ball of light shot straight upwards, accompanied by a pure, sonorous note, loud enough to be deafening, but so beautiful to hear that not one of them covered
their ears.
Hovering in front of them, about ten feet above the water was Simon, naked and bathed in white light like something that fell from above - radiating pure power.
Angelus was the first to speak.

"It's true." he whispered.

Discrimination

The deaths of Immortals are always treated as 'suspicious' by the police.

Stat

Nearly 40% of teenage pregnancies occur before the age of 20.

fauxtograph

fauxtograph - n.
the picture one puts of oneself on a social networking site which makes one look younger/slimmer/more interesting than one really is

greige

greige - n.
the most boring colour of all

The Fast Show

So it's lent, and whilst most people are busy coping with their withdrawal symptoms from chocolate or alcohol or crack, I like to take the time to think about the true meaning of lent.
The forty days of lent represent the time immediately following His baptism that Jesus spent fasting in the desert where he endured temptation by Satan.
To synopsise:

• Jesus is baptised by a guy who eats locusts
• He spends a long time in an inhospitable region
• He endures trials from Satan
• In the end he is put to the public vote

Now, I don't know about you but this sounds familiar to me.

The story features a man who eats insects...



...it features an inhospitable region, where Jesus is put through trials by Satan...



...and it all ends in a public vote.

I think ITV should acknowledge their plagiarism and bring us a one off special: I'm A Deity Get Me Out Of Here!

My money's on Buddha.

Funfair

Ghost trains are like tunnels of love for necrophiliacs.

Stampede

I used to collect stamps, but I gave up.

Philately will get you nowhere.

Summer's End Part 5

Previous instalments.

The brothers sat in silence as the boat ploughed through the black water, the only noise of the night coming from the languid oaring of the two brutes flanking Mr Angelus. Josiah was not scared but he was worried. Had he done the right thing? He looked at his younger brother, he still thought of him as a baby although he had long since left the crib. He sat there confused and sniffing, although completely trusting his big brother.
"You're shivering, young Simon. Are you cold?"
Simon did not meet Mr Angelus' empty glare.
"Rubens, pass the coat."
The manservant did as he was told.
"There, young man, put this on. Button it right up to the top."
Simon's numb fingers struggled as he fastened all the buttons.
"Th-this jacket is very heavy, sir."
"Yes, it is a special coat. I have sewn several large rocks into its lining."
"Rocks? But..."
"We cannot take any chances, Simon..." Angelus pounced with a speed and agility belying his frame and his sensory handicap. Josiah tried to stop him but he was too slow. With one lightning swoop he had bowled the boy up and over the side, Simon flailing into the arctic lake with a sickening splash.

Electrovagneticism

Are Hugh Hefner and Peter Stringfellow what one would describe as fanny magnates?

sarchasm

sarchasm - n.
the lowest form of pit

malevol-au-vents

malevol-au-vents - n.
another dish which is best served cold

Er?

Why do we call the Queen 'Your Highness'?

Surely it should be 'Your Height'?

Grrl

When I told her she looked fetching, I meant that she reminded me of a Retriever.

Visage

I mean, I know I like moisturiser, but there's no need to rub my face in it...

Summer's End Part 4

Parts 1, 2 and 3

"You must be Josiah. And this must be young Simon. Come over here, boy. Have you been crying?"
Simon, touched his fingers to his cheeks in confusion, "But, how....?"
"A lack of eyes does not hinder my sight, dear boy. You would be well advised to remember that. Here, let me look at you."
Mr Angelus' fingers scanned Simon's head phrenologically, too long to be a friendly ruffle of the hair, but if he was looking for something, no change in his expression betrayed he had found it.
"Andre, Rubens, get the boys in the boat. We must be back by sunrise."

WANTED

WANTED: Old rope. Will pay money.

Click image to enlarge

meloncholy

meloncholy - n.
a blue fruit

craveat

craveat - n.
an exceptional scarf

Plastic

Get rhinoplasty if you want - it's no skin off my nose.

Sub of the Dead

(Not an original idea, but my own interpretation)

Seems normal

I don't know what the big deal is with Jesus being a virgin birth. Aren't most new born babies virgins?

Glove in the time of cholera

I bought these gloves the other day. They fit perfectly.
I wish I could think of an appropriate simile to explain how well they fit...

Summer's End Part 3

Part 1, Part 2

Night-time had fully descended by the time the boat was near enough to shore to make out the figures. The crescent moon was the only source of light, a thumbnail tear on the dark velvet sky, barely illuminating the three shadowy figures making their way towards the boys. The two tattily-dressed men rowing were clearly subordinate to the dapper gent at the prow of the rowboat, his eyes closed in deep concentration as they bumped up on to the sand. His two henchmen jumped in to the shallow waters and hauled the boat ashore before taking an arm each of their master, lifting him clear of the water and lowering him to the ground only when they were clear of the softly lapping lake. Not a drop had sullied his impeccable garb. When he spoke, he stared straight ahead into the wood behind the boys.
"My name is Mr Angelus. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance."
Josiah moved toward his oustretched hand, and only realised as he got closer that Angelus had not had his eyes closed in concentration. No, this would be impossible. For how can one close one's eyes, when one has no eyes?
"P-pleased to meet you, sir." he gulped, staring into the man's dead
ocular cavities.

A deer with no eyes

Someone once told me that ignorance was bliss. I have absolutely no idea what they were talking about... but I feel fantastic!

blasfemur

blasfemur - n.
one who, by taking the Lord's name in vain, forgets the fact that Jesus died for our shins

telapathy

telapathy - n.
when you can't be bothered lifting someone else's finger

Ambergris

Sperm whale vomit is considered one of the most valuable materials on the planet. This may go some way to explaining Robbie Williams' enduring appeal.

Celebrity Autopsy

Did Hitler really only have one ball? Did Elvis really have snake hips? And was Princess Diana's heart really as big as they say it was? Find out the answers to these questions and more this Thursday at 8 o'clock on CELEBRITY AUTOPSY. Only on ITV.

Androgenquiry

If roughly half the population of Earth is male and the other half is female, does that mean the average person is an hermaphrodite?

He seeks poetic justice

Summer's End Part 2

For the first instalment, click here

"Do you think they've noticed we're gone yet?"
The older brother, Josiah, didn't reply, instead he peered across the lake, trying to discern any movement on the jetty at the other side.
"Can you see anything?"
"Not yet, Si. We're early, though."
A sudden splash off to their left punctuated the hum of the woodland. As Simon put the kayak between himself and the noise, Josiah moved to inspect the rippling surface.
Nothing. A bird must have dropped its supper, he assumed.
He trotted back to his brother, settled down on the kayak drawing a pen knife from his pocket and began to carve his name into the peeling boat belly.
"What's that?"
Josiah looked to where his brother was pointing, to the jetty across the water. The faintest stirrings of a grin appeared on his face.
"They're coming."

St. Rongbow...

... patron Saint of cider. Co-founder of the Church of the Immaculate Fermentation, along with St. Ella of Artois.

Umpteen things clean

Britain's best loved animated pilot, Mr Sheen, isn't even British.
He's French-Polish.

euphemasia

euphemasia - n.
the merciful act of sending someone to never-wakey-land

somnambulance

somnambulance - n.
a vehicle used for picking up sleepwalkers

Knock knock! ....knock knock........knock?

A good way to make blind guys laugh is to tell them a deaf guy joke. Oh, the rivalry!

Doesn't seem to work the other way round though.

Beanfeast

I like my coffee like I like my women. Hand picked by Brazilian farmers, exported to Britain in container ships and sold in Sainsbury's for £2.49.

I sink, therefore I swam

Recently I've been having dreams that I'm a penguin. So I got to thinking: Am I a man dreaming I'm a penguin, or am I a penguin dreaming I'm a man? Then I got to thinking: Man, I watch too much Pingu.

Summer's End Part 1

Thrum.
Thrum.
Two boys beat the underside of an upturned kayak at dusk on the
outskirts of a forest. Their clothes are ragged and one of them has
the snotty nose and grubby tracklines of long-dried tears on his
cheeks. They are brothers.

pseup

pseup - n.
that which purports to be soup but is not in fact soup eg. cup-a-soup

rhetoricall

rhetoricall - n.
a telephone call you don't have to answer